Dear Tissue Girl

Dear Tissue girl,

I watched your show last night at the TheaterFabriek and you were by far my favorite of Les 7 Doigts de La Main. I thought it was going to be an average friday night until Toronto’s finest chef in exile offered me tickets to see your fantastic show.

I must confess, I’ve never seen Cirque du Soleil, or much cabaret in my lifetime. I grew up in Jersey where no one ever spoke of Circus School. I was fascinated last night as I ate my apple pie and you told me about how you got your start back in Montreal. Your art – tissue – as you called it, is fantastic. The way you bend your body into pretzels and seemingly float in the air using flowing strips of fabric, I was hypnotized.

Although I’m sure you’re quite busy and have no time for guys like me, I daydreamed of the life we could have together. I know, you’d be on the road alot, and I’d be doing whatever the hell it is I do here in the dam, but I’d still have green bean soup and bacalhau ready and waiting when you got home from your latest tour. Et on peux toujours parler en Fran?ais si tu veux. Sometimes I’d go on tour with you and sit in the corner and cheer you on in multiple languages. On your days off we could catch a flight to the A?ores, or La Reunion (island), and swim with dolphins.

And as a bonus, we could have little bike-riding, acrobatic, academic Quebecois-Portug?es-American children, who would impress the world with their keen biking skills, capacity for abstract thought, and impeccable balance on one toe. Hell, they might even grow up to be good bloggers!

Anyway I realize you might actually surf the net sometimes, and be horrified by this bizarro letter. But know that its just a daydream. In the end, you’re probably all married and busy, and not understanding what the F a blog is. And I’m committed to my bike, blog and the Amsterdam. Still, it was a pleasure to see your show and chat with you. Crazy Dr. M was also pleased to meet you, he especially enjoyed the show, reminding him the days when he did theater. (OH YES!)

Good luck in the future, don’t worry about needing a restraining order against me, I’m fairly sane (I think). And if years from now you read this and remember my bearded face and long eye-lashes, use the email and maybe we can get some Eritrean food and discuss the future of the world and our imaginary family.

Prends soins de toi,

Bicyclemark

Today’s Sounds: Decemberists -Her Majesty

Hey Herb

High Times magazine isn’t going to call this year. I know they’re not. For the first time in three years, I won’t be present at this years biggest stoner party. Worst of all, I won’t be making the tax-free big bucks, along with the all access passes, free gourmet dinners, and YES – the mountain of maryjane that every employee gets (which I promptly distribute to my friends).

It’s not that bm is much of a ganja smoker, hell no, I’m more the observer. But it’s the spirit of the event I’ve grown to love. Every late November a hoard of Americans, Canadians, Germans, Dutchies, and -increasingly- Japanese, invade the Melkweg on one quest – to smoke dope and sit around with strangers going “hey man… this shit is great.” (insert appropriate Tommy Chong accent) But wait, I’m not mocking them, their stories are often amazing; the vietnam vets, the cannabis photographers, the young hippies living in pseudo communes in some remote county of California, the Vancouver people, and finally – the straight up New Yorkers who love the chronic.

Let me not forget the kickass music. Over the past two cups I’ve seen De La Soul, Fishbone, and hung back stage with George Clinton and his granddaughter. All completely free of course. (thanks DRoCK)

But alas, the thrill is gone. They don’t need my skills as an employee anymore. I served happily last year as an voting booth supervisor. Sounds easy enough doesn’t it? That’s what I thought initially, until I found myself trying to communicate with distracted hippies, who could never seem to fill out ballots correctly or quickly. They brought their notebooks with them, filled with chickenscratch about which coffeeshop was the coolest this year. (coffeeshop? places in amsterdam that serve weed) Yet it always required my intervention, to tell them to not vote twice, or to not ask their neighbor about which hash was better. Then came the begging “Hey man… can I get one of those I voted T-Shirts”.. to which I would say no, and later they’d re-appear with items for bartering, and like any good native, sometimes I traded with the colonists.

Occasionally you can find women at these things. And when you do they are often excessively beautiful, and on the arm of a mafia boss/coffee shop owner from Moscow. Constantly surrounded by an entourage aka bodyguards. Last year I met swiss miss; long blond dreds, blue eyes, and an excellent accent from the alps. She and I had a bond, which consisted of standing at our respective booths stealing glances at each other, and occasionally just staring at each other. That was our thing. By the last day we had ventured into the world of conversation, became friends, and presently I hear from swissy whenever she’s in town.

The worst was when one of my stoned colleagues would not show up to relieve me after my shift, and I would stand there angry as hell and starving. The Norwegian cannabis chef would stroll by in his white labcoat with a cake or a shake, and – as if knowing I was starving – would ask if I wanted some. To which I’d hungrily reply – “Yes, what is it!?” And that madman would proceed to show me the marijuana mango cake he had baked and the cannabis oil popcorn he had popped. THE HORROR. Here I am starving, and this guys trying to get me high. So of course I nibbled on the popcorn, to tithe me over, hoping not to get stoned since I had work to do, real life to tend to. Alas, the end of an era.

Today’s Sounds: Coheed & Cambria – In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth

Dark Days Indeed

Abu Ammar is dying. As this text is written, a lifetime of struggle must be passing through his mind, as the machines take control over his fading existence. He might be thinking how much he wanted to visit the beaches of Tunisia once more, or how he’ll never get the chance to be on the Daily Show with that Jon Stewart who cracks him up. And I can only imagine he regrets the way things have gone over the past years.

Some people in power have tried (successfully) to marginalize him in these last years, while his people live in despair, and the Berlin Wall part 2 is built, he himself has been trapped in a legendary “compound” for over two years. They’ve tried to say he is responsible. They’ve tried to re-write history and call his people’s struggle a terrorist movement. When a bombing occurs, they blame him for not magically stopping it. If they could, they’d go into the Nobel records and erase his name from the co-peace prize he received with Rabin, and Peres. (then again, so would I, to take away Kissinger’s)

It is almost as if his death is a victory for those who have been burying him for years. Ironic that the junior world leader who has baptized him as irrelevant has been re-elected. A leader who has less than 4 years experience with world affairs compared to a man who was born without a country and has been on the international scene since the late 50’s.

Was he a saint? Probably not. Did he encourage or allow violence amongst his people? He fought in a civil war, so yes. Did he live a comfortable life while his people lived in misery? Possibly, like most leaders.

But was he loved? -most certainly. Did he actively contribute to the Oslo Accords, and other peace negotiations- clearly. Is he one of the most recognized and talked about cats in the history of the middle east (or the world) – YES.

And for that reason this is my blog tribute to the man. Love him or hate him, none of us really knew the man. All we knew was what media tells us, mixed with testimony from those who experienced first hand the complexities of the region’s situation. I’m saddened by his death, if indeed he passes in the coming hours or days. I believe, after a lifetime of war, death, watching all the suffering – on both sides- he had the wisdom and the will to negociate a lasting peace. I realize many will disagree… others will get angry and shout curses. But these are my thoughts as a lowly world citizen. And so I raise my glass, and bid farewell, to one of the classic faces in world history – ARAFAT.

Today’s Sounds: Sveriges Radio – Swedish Public Radio playing Faith No More

Exile Consultant

(bloggers problems have been killing me today, trying to blog all day)

By now you’ve been walking around the internet and taking it all in. As No Coins said, the web is a bit depressing today. Lots of folks angry, sad, disappointing, shocked, etc. More folks talking about moving, to Canada (the campaign has begun!), etc. This idea is one I can speak on, and maybe I have special insight as an almost 4 year expat.

In an effort to get you through the despair, I present:

BICYCLEMARK’s HOW TO COPE LIST


    – Call a friend or a relative and yell alot, use lots of curses, let it out.

    – Daily Show. Lots and lots of Daily Show, plenty of material now.

    – Turn to drinking, the last legal drug until the administration brings back prohibition.

    – The Surreal Life; it may be old news where you live. But this show can keep you entertained for a good hour every week. Washed up 80’s/90’s entertainers living together. I’ve determined that Ron Jeremy is a good guy and Eric Estrada should run for president. (since brains don’t matter)

    – Get to know other bloggers, today I had dinner with JAmie of The Known Universe and friends, he’s in the dam for a few days, and it was good fun to get to know the man in person.

    – Plot assassination. (I heard its illegal, but you could call it a pre-emptive strike)

    – Move to Europe, S. America, Asia, Australia, or Africa. I especially recommend Ireland, cause the economy is strong, Thailand where the people are wonderful (not to mention beautiful), S. Korea where you can teach English, and Brazil where Lula is doing a kickass job.

    – Move to Amsterdam, I can help.. but it does require some work. In no time we’ll have you riding your grandma bike, searching for another temporary apartment, and spending 4 hours with the same hot chocolate at a cozy caf? that used to be a church.

    – Stay in the US, or wherever you are, and fight in whatever way you’re best at fighting. Be it through blogging or lobbying or NGO work, or even studying law to ultimately overturn some of the dumbass laws that have gone on the books. (like the ones that prevent people who love each other from getting married.)

    – Did I mention drugs yet? Hey.. it don’t make you a bad person. I mean.. did you see the election? Pass the prozac.

My only request is this, get it out of your system now. Because if you’re still pretending you’re going to move to Canada in a month, you need to stop all the talking and make the move. An incalculable number of people, throughout history, have left their home country due to political, economic, or all sorts of reasons, it’s a global tradition and deserving of some respect. I’m not saying everyone should move, I’m saying if you feel oppressed or in danger, don’t be afraid to get up and do it.

Today’s Sounds: Free Speech Radio News, on 99.5 WBAI NYC

When Bloggers Hit the Streets

Well Well Well. Here we are again. Blogger and Reader. Friends. Romans. 7th day adventists. Are you worried? Rightfully so, traditionally, it’s the regular folks who suffer regardless of the outcome. But hey, let’s have some fun out there today!

The news is just pouring in here at the Bicyclemark ranch, which I’ve now renamed “the compound” since I’ve barricaded myself in, fearing the violence that will be sparked on the touristy streets of Amsterdam when it all comes down. Judging by Dutch public television, this is the most important election the Netherlands has seen in its history. Hence the 24 hour trailer-park trash coverage of Floridians I’ve been exposed to for the last week.

HERE COMES GOOD NEWS – THIS JUST IN: The left wing coalition has taken the Uruguayan presidency. Now there’s a real axis of excitement, or coalition of the thinking, if you will, in South America, made up of Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Paraguay, and Venezuela. I’m sure congress and the president select will consider going to war with South America to stop the pink menace of social-democracy.

Anyone noticed the changes in the electoral vote poll map thingy? Suddenly JFK is romping. I was surprised, but I do enjoy this map. And as I was discussing with Brian of Thestateimin, we without a landline will never be polled. (that and we living abroad have even less of a chance) I wonder how many americans only have cell phones? Couple of million?

I wanted to highlight and pay some respect to the bloggers that on this “magical” day have dragged their carpal tunnel hands away the keyboard and hit the streets to do whatever-it-is that campaign volunteers or voting monitors do. That would include Mr. B, professor B’s other half, who I imagine is running around the midwest trying not to get beat up with all his Kerry pins and friendly smile.

And then there’s Majikthise, one of my favorite bloggers, especially during this campaign hysteria, she’s getting out the vote in crazy Pennsylvania.

And just when things were going good for the grassroots buzz, the canvassing car took heavy damage.

Asia the deconstuctionist is going election crrrrazy in Oregon, and she’ll be dragging voters in off the streets today.

Makes me feel proud that some bloggers put their bodies and cars on the line for what they believe in. If I believed in the US electoral process, I might also not be sitting in my pajamas right now.

As part of my annoying EXPANDED election coverage, I wanted to give you this funfact:

In the last election, when the mysterious electoral college went to vote, “one elector from D.C., Barbara Lett-Simmons cast a blank ballot in protest of D.C.’s not having representation in Congress.” (according to the U of Kentucky electoral vote site) I like her style, but can we get the names and addresses of other electoral college cabal members? So we know where to throw fruit and burn effigies. I forget where I left my effigy.

MORE ELECTION NEWS — THIS JUST IN: No Clear Winner After Votecount in Ukrainian elections! Yes its true, no president. Sounds familiar.

Today’s Sounds: The Shins – Chutes too Narrow

Sit Ubu Sit

And the people said – SPEAK BM…. SPEAK, and so I shall, about good ol’ fashion Voter Fraud Americana style; wednesday morn. They plopped a TV just outside the fishtank so now everytime I go to drink my mat?, I’m staring at one of their mugs. Just now JFK shouted: “Tomorrow we’ll be going to the polls, one of the most beautiful things on earth.” Hmmmmmm… NO sir. You are wrong. Thank you.

We had a viewing of Wag the Dog last night at the ranch. That beautiful piece of filmmaking came out in 1997, and is still completely telling when it comes to politics in America. I’ve been reading through the script this morning, and there is some dialogue that I am just in love with:



    Motts (Hoffman):We’ve just found out They Have the Bomb. We’ve Just Found Out They Have The Bomb, aaaand… No, No wait a second, no, no, wait a second, No. The Bomb’s not…it’s not there — because they’d have to have a rocket and that shit n’they’re a buncha wogs– it’s …it’s a suitcase Bomb. Ooookay. It’s a suitcase bomb,

    and it’s …. in Canada! Eh? Albanian Terrorists have placed a suitcase Bomb in Canada, in an attempt to infiltrate the bomb into the USA.

    Brean – (DeNiro): Leav’t alone. Wha’d television ever do to you?

    AMES (Heche): IT DESTROYED THE ELECTORAL PROCESS.

    Brean: No no, forget it, stop the song, our war just ended.

    Johnny Dean (Willie Nelson): Are you gonna need me any longer, cause I was just about to go get drunk.

    Motts (Hoffman): Trump that, Senator Neal, you Howdy-Doody-looking Vontz.

I can’t get enough of that word…. VONTZ!

I digress, this isn’t about how much I love the film. What I wanted to talk about is how applicable the film still is today in this era of elections and war pageants.

At the beginning of the current madness in Iraq, this US tried all the standard Wag the Dog tactics that had worked for them in Gulf Conflict 1: like the patriotic speeches, the painting of the hero left behind (that girl who was allegedly captured, now completely silenced), and the staged pulling down of the statue. But throughout this thing, they’ve also invented new ways to wag the dog, in-bed reporters, news channels like Fox to provide seemingly unbiased brainwashing, presidential visits with fake turkey dinners, that sort of thing.

One thing that is encouraging, to some extent thanks to blogs and other media watchdogs, these bullshit tactics have often been exposed. Forcing the administration to have to get more outlandish and to some extent – desperate with their propaganda.

One thing I realized, as I was laughing my ass off at that genius human being Willie Nelson, there is no song with this war-pageant. Is there? You know where all the top 20 artists put on headphones and stand in a room together. Guess it doesn’t work anymore. I remember during papa Bush’s war, there was a song… that whole “Proud to be an American” which went along with the Yellow Ribbons and the T-Shirts supporting desert storm. My favorite T-shirt in Wag the Dog reads: “Fuck Albania.” The parallels are eerie. I guess the biggest benefactors over the past 4 years were not only rich Bush friends, but also the flag manufacturers.

Hey if you want to watch Outfoxed and get angry, like myself and Ms. Thingk did this weekend, here’s a link to the whole thing via Dutch Public TV, relax – it’s in English.

Today’s Sounds: Dutch Public Television Running Around an Indian Reservation to Depress us all.