Not Satisfied

“Alot of people would be jealous of your life”, one of my best friends said to me via instant message yesterday. It was a response to my complaining, as another year of my life passes by, that I haven’t done the things I could have done by now.

People message me on Facebook, skype, myspace, gmail, twitter, and even in the offline world. They say things like “you’ve been travelling alot!”… or “You life seems like an adventure.” They’re probably right, but I confess that half the time I forget about the aventure and get worried about the choices I’ve made. The choice to live where I live. The choice to do the work that I do. The choice to be dedicated to blogging and podcasting. Yet somehow, these things feel like more than choices. Especially this blog and the podcasts that I do… I like to refer to them as my calling in life, just like priests always say about joining the priesthood… this medium, writing these words, and having you read them; this called out to me many years ago before I could fully understand why. And while I understand better today, why I do this, I still come to crossroads and moments where my critical nature causes me to question all these activities.

I happen to have alot of older friends that are close to me. When I fret about turning 28 and feeling like I’ve missed out on some of the wonderful things that I should have experienced by now, they laugh and say I’m young. Those that are younger than me say nothing. But in the end it is my own opinion that matters most, and by this age I had wanted to be further along with everything. Why haven’t I touched African soil with my hands? or seen Cuba and what life is like there with my own eyes? why haven’t I walked the streets of Tokyo with my good friends there? why haven’t I done the kind of reports that make a bigger impact throughout the internets. The kind of journalism that penetrates and resonates so far that it triggers real change.. change that I can see.

I’m sure there are people coming to my site for the first time being confused at such a post. If this site is about under-reported news, why is he writing about his own regrets and thoughts? But my readers and listeners know me a little better. And you know that the person in personal media does not need to be hidden; on the contrary, when I feel the need.. I write something more personal. Thats the difference between this and your old newspaper. The journalist that believes the individual has no place in their writing. Personal media, to me, is about being up front about who you are, as well as bringing forward information and arguements that have stifled in the world of popular culture.

I’m still forming thoughts and plans in my head… but as of right now.. I’ve pretty much decided that my 28th year on this earth will be one where I stop putting off life. Where I throw caution to the wind in the name of experience and education. Even if it means financial ruin or some other extreme inconvenience… things are about to change for this podcast journalist.

(PS – No it is not my birthday yet and YES I do realize many of you have and continue to support what I do)


  1. california dreamin
    November 12, 2007

    does that mean you’re going to leave a’dam?

  2. bicyclemark
    November 12, 2007

    Hello C-dreamin… I’ve long stopped defining who I am and what I want by the place where I live. My problems are not with Amsterdam.. they are within me.

    Simpler answer – no no.

  3. November 13, 2007

    It doesn’t hurt to be dissatisfied with where you are in your late twenties. There is so much possibility there! But I think you are doing a wonderful job with your blog and podcasting just where you are right now.

  4. November 13, 2007

    I love your personal stuff.

  5. DRock
    November 13, 2007

    For someone who cares so much about the world and treats his friends and family like gold, you can be a real dick to yourself. See places, go explore because you want to, not because you feel like you feel like you’re letting yourself down by not doing it. Guilt shouldn’t be the motivation to experience.

    If you feel writing was your path and it had chosen you, like someone being called to serve the church than consider yourself blessed my man. Rarely do people have the self understanding to actually know what they want and pursue it.

    Go do not because you believe you’re sitting idly by (which you aren’t) but because that’s what you enjoy – nothing wrong with pursing what you enjoy, wish more people did it, the world would likely be a much better place.

  6. mom the queen
    November 13, 2007

    Questioning oneself about life’s decisions is part of the growing pains…

    Sorry that you are not God… I’ll try better next time.

  7. BigdaddyJ
    November 14, 2007

    Hi this is God…I’m not available right now but if you leave a message I’ll call you back….


  8. November 16, 2007

    English teacher Jonathan says”A lot” is two words, not one.
    Yes, I am pedantic.

  9. bicyclemark
    November 16, 2007

    Im leading the very small rebellion of mostly teenagers that believe “alot” will become a word one day. thank you teacher.

  10. Karamoon
    November 17, 2007

    Come to Tokyo now. We need you here. We want you here. There is somewhere for you to sleep, there is food for you to eat. Just come here now.


    • November 18, 2007

      you and your offer i cannot refuse.

  11. November 21, 2007

    I had a little momentary fantasy about meeting you in Tokyo.

    • bicyclemark
      November 22, 2007

      and some point. and soon. I must make it over there.

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