Audio – Page 134 – Citizen Reporter

Politics with a genius

The communiqu? presents: a slightly edited version of an interview with my buddy JP who resides in Lisbon, Portugal, and can out curse a sailor when he wants to.

bicyclemark: Well… first off, welcome to the blog JP…

bicyclemark: So JP… do you recall around the time where you and I became pals… tell the tale for the audience at home….

J.P. : you were starting to work in that piece of shit school, it was around February 2002?

bicyclemark: True true.

J.P. : and, I don’t recall the exact circumstances

bicyclemark: Was it my keen vocabulary and style of clothes that led you to become my friend?

J.P. : that, and your politics, and your naivet?, and you having had dealings with the Cosa Nostra.

bicyclemark: I see. And you live in Lisbon.. a city that will forever own my heart… where people barely find the time, between eating, smoking and coffee, to go to work. Could you sum up, in four words… what its like living there?

J.P. : being buggered by apes covered in shit

bicyclemark: nice While we’re on shit covered apes… any words about the prime minister of portugal who just resigned?

J.P. : no words strong enough were invented for that piece of sewage in walking form

bicyclemark: I see… just one more in this subject area… any predictions for the future of portugal?

J.P. : when you flush the toilet you see and hear the future of Portugal.

bicyclemark: Excellent political analysis. Very late-modern.

bicyclemark: Moving on… I have a few Chinese readers.. and I recall your stories of when you traveled china…. when was that again? and why did you go?

J.P. : vacation, August 1996; Macao, Hong Kong, and Beijing

bicyclemark: I see, and there you traveled by train… what was it again? for how long? And what can you say about the experience?

J.P. : 3 days and nights from Beijing to Canton. It was a unique experience. I felt like a black person must feel in, say, Alentejo (who doesn’t know the language)

(editors note: Alentejo- vast rural area to the south of portugal. where portuguese hicks come from)

(J.P. : note again – many people of African descent travel through Alentejo, but mostly they speak Portuguese)

bicyclemark: I was expecting you to tell me to go to hell and defend your home territory.

J.P. : well, no – there are hicks in Alentejo, but most assfucking male-raping hillbillies that I know of live in Lisbon

bicyclemark: ouch. So back to politics, how bad did this last american election hit you?

J.P. : fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

bicyclemark: I see, so we could say.. not well.

bicyclemark: Hey before we go on… thanks for the Transmetropolitan graphic novels…very thoughtful of you on my bday

J.P. : Spider Jerusalem – a man with political ideas after my own heart

bicyclemark: I think he eats speed for breakfast and shoots people when it pleases him.

J.P. : and throws them turds and dog carcasses; his weapon of choice is lovely: the Bowel Disruptor

bicyclemark: sounds cruel.

bicyclemark: Well mr JP. Time to say thank you.. and well.. end this. Thanks for being on the show.

J.P. : I hope I was as helpful as you thought I might be

Today’s Sounds: Paul Simon – Graceland (now digging through landlord’s CD’s)

Workin Slob

Other bloggers, especially the experienced ones who, for example, appear on television on some show that will never air in Europa, say don’t blog about work. I’ve seen good people get shit from colleagues or even get the ax, because of their blog. But I’m the part-time king, and I heart everyone in my work-life, so I’ll na?vely ignore such good advice, as I always have.

Day 1 of bicyclemark’s academic writing workshop at the U of Amsterdam somehow went off without a hitch. I don’t really know where I could find a hitch in this day and age anyway, so it’s not that big of a surprise. But I did half expect the audience of serious PHD students to start throwing shit midway through the session. I mean, you’ve all seen the way I spell and use comas like they’re going out of style, wouldn’t you throw tomatoes or potatos? But somehow I held on, got lucky, and had a few laughs preaching to the good people about the inexplicable english language that will save them from eternal damnation.

Let me return to my original topic, working in OLD Europe. Assuming the IRS doesn’t know how to read blogs, I’ll tell you that since planting myself on this side of the pond, I have worked such jobs as: English Teacher, English to Portuguese instruction manual translator (what a disaster, I hope no one was hurt), Election Supervisor at a weed convention, Dog-in-heat walker, Academic publications editor, Dutch-english to real-English transcriber, and of course my present job: Fish Tank supervisor. Impressive CV eh? (I hear that booing and it hurts!)

I wanted to say, out of all the jobs I’ve ever worked, this university gig has, by far, the coolest employee field trips ever. You might remember when we visited a national park, or when we painted the town red. Well today, in celebration of everyone-about-to-skip-town december, they took us for high tea. Just around the block from where ladies stand for sale behind glass and under red lights, there we sat in the coolest bakery les Pays-Bas has ever known. Scones, tea, quiche, tea, jam, tea, carrot cake, tea, bon-bons, tea, fruit salad, tea.. man I’ve been peeing every 20 minutes ever since. And as a bonus, I get to hang with my work people, including the dean who always brings out-of-the ordinary conversation topics. Good stuff.

So what gets me is that I worked some gigs in the states, and I neither had this nor ever heard about it. Work events either didn’t exist or seemed totally fake. Hmm.. the only ones I can think of that might rock are those “company bbq’s” people used to talk about. Ooh.. and bowling teams, like Joe-Bob’s Plumbing vs. Guido’s Construction if that counts. I guess it depends, but still – I’ve heard first hand that the scandinavians do it even better. Take notes world; this is how you live!

Today’s Sounds: Mr. Airplane Man (still not sure I like it)

De-Liberations

December seems like a month where, besides celebrating a whole lot of birthdays, we also pause and remember some of the worst atrocities the earth has ever seen. I love using big phrases like that, cause then someone will think “you say tomato, I say tomato sauce,” and who am I to argue. Just a blogger folks. Just a blogger.

Back to the point, before I do the usual drifting like Tom and Huck, Dec. 11th 1994 was the anniversary I wanted to point out; Ten years to the date, when the rusty Russian war machine invaded the Chechenskaya Respublika. I’m not here to try and debate why they did it or who was wrong, for me there is no debate. The images and statistics that so much of the world have ignored: 50,000 killed in the first war alone, air strikes that bombed Grozny back into the stone age, the (now repeated in Iraq) acts of rounding up all the men older then 16 and imprisoning them. I’m sure it was worth it… this liberty and freedom from terrorism that Moscow promised. So much of the population had to be wiped out, so you had to do some torturing/raping, and then maybe you had to destroy everything in site… it’s all for a better future. Trust mother Russia, and her friends in Europe, US, and around the world, who – if they even noticed- spend those years doing business as usual.

I myself sat in the library of a tiny University in southern France when the second Chechen war broke out. I sat reading 4 newspapers per day, scribbling articles which I’d never have the nerve to send to a newspaper, other than my tiny column in my college newspaper in NJ, and then posting them on my geocities site, which later became this here blog. I guess I’m alot like certain governments and international organizations, I sat around talking a mighty talk and writing articles, and then at night I put it to the side and went to have another glass of wine at Les Deux Gar?ons. Which in retrospect may have not been a good place to meet women. (?)

I joke… cause well.. it’s part of dealing with all the bullshit. But still.. It’s a crazy anniversary… it was 1994, modern times. Now, with all the stupidity of the so-called war-on-terrorism, people who speak on behalf of Chechnya are suspect… dangerous. The government they elected , whoever still lives, is in exile in the US and UK. Hell, I’m sure Chechnyans themselves would tell me to shut up, cause they must be so tired of hearing about all these politicians with blood on their hands…just wanting to live a somewhat normal life. Whatever’s left of it.

So here’s to you Chechnya, in recognition of all the hell you’ve gone through (a reality I cannot even being to understand from my comfy seat)… the world governments may not a have a spine, but bloggers do, bicyclemark’s commmunique (and always has) recognizes the independent and sovereign Chechenskaya Respublika.. if there’s anything left to recognize.

Today’s Sounds: Curtis Mayfield – Best of

FIRST PODCAST

To Do List

Bicyclemark, let’s go to Prague!, she said. I didn’t have to think, I said – OK let’s do it. Then I remembered how much I want to see Moscow this year, and ohhh to go to Stockholm. To which she responded Yeah, I’d like to see those places too. And so it will be. Prague first.

The big 25 is a bit over 1 month away, and I recall a list I once made, of goals to be achieved by the time I reach my silver anniversary. I won’t expose you to the bizzaroness of that list, but I will say I’ve done a little over half of that list. Among the goals not achieved: traveling around S. America and North Africa, working for an NGO in Angola. My biggest unachieved goal involved a lama, a nine-iron, some ice cubes, and Claire Forlani. But well, I guess a boy can’t have everything. (I do have ice cubes and access to a nine-iron!)

Hey since I’m some consider me a political blogger (bows), I have done what political bloggers do – sent a correspondent to a Kerry rally in Philadelphia. Unfortunately girlfriend is too busy fantasizing about Clinton to really give us some hard-hitting analysis of a bunch of people waving signs at a candidate who keeps repeating sound bites. But don’t worry, HELP IS ON THE WAY, because WE HAVE PLAN TO WIN THE PEACE. – I know I know.. he’s my guy now. It’s just hard sometimes.

One of the great things about the election circus coming to a close – THE SALES. That’s right Bush and Kerry gear have been slashed in half, their prices (and politics) are INSANE!

While I slept an incredible amount of excellent posts were written in the world of blogs. BFauth’s family turns out to be a midwest militia, and YES they publish those annual calendars with babes and guns.

For all the times that Blonde But Bright or the Torontonienne have asked me, “Why do you think Professor B calls herself bitch?” yesterday we found out why.

Jamie does what I have so often done, questioning the girl sitting across from him, with the big cup of coffee reading Nietzsche.

And just when I thought I had had enough, The Accordian Guy takes his squeeze box to the streets, and plays tunes like “Should I Stay or Should I Go” at Canada’s crazy-go-nuts University homecoming.

I still owe you a swordfish recipe.

Today’s Sounds: Ashlee Simpson (don’t worry, she’s not singing)

In the State of Swing

I’m going to need a Bosnian to Spanish translator in order to communicate with a majority of my fantasy basketball players. Thankfully I’m fluent in French and Spanish, so I can still talk to my other scrubs and my favorite Puerto Rican point guard who I did get to watch in the Olympics. Funnest part, however brief, of yesterdays fantasy draft was getting to chat with Tony Pierce, who’s family is visiting, and who had a seemingly cool birthday party. It has gotten to the point where I’ve seen enough photos of his apartment, via the blog, that I know my way around. Weird you say? COOL I say.

Speaking of the busblog, I was reading Danielle’s “keeping it real” this morning, as I so often do. Sometimes that girl just hits it right for me. Like some wonderfully-crazy gonzo-journalistic-poet. I see hers as one of those blogs, like anyone’s actually, which is only for certain tastes and might be loved by some and hated by others.

An opposite example would be the man with a blog-god complex, the instapundit. I try my best to be open minded and blog respectful, but reading that blog is like riding a bicycle with no seat and flat tires. I literally gave my monitor the finger as he scoffed at the Brazilian space program and proceeded to give detailed summaries and photos of Bushie’s Florida rally. Who gives a flying fuck if the American dictator appears in a denim-blue workshirt with his sleeves rolled up and talks about how much he loves florida and america needs to give him 4 more years and a few billion more bucks. One of the most read bloggers in the sphere you say? A column in the Guardian you say? No thank you sir.

On a brighter note, courtesy of the most famous Canadienne ever to grace the pages of this blog, I now have a costume for Halloween. I just need some brown shag carpet – extra shag, a varsity jacket, some novelty teeth, and a friend named styles. I hear NoCoins was considering topping last year’s Zombie John Ridder by going as Zombie Christopher Reeve this year. What? Too soon?

Today’s Sounds: Kings of Convenience – Silence is the New Loud